What to do about alcoholic husband?
I’m at a loss for what to do in my situation. My husband of 4 years (we’ve been together for 9 years) is an alcoholic; both heredity and the environment he grew up in played a significant role. We are in our mid-twenties. We have a 3 year-old son, and an infant daughter, and have recently returned to our home state after being stationed over 2,000 miles away in the military for the last 4 years. I have no friends or outside support, as I am not close with my mother (my father is deceased.) It’s difficult to get out of the house to do anything without the kids, as I am still nursing our daughter and she’s having a tough time getting used to solid foods. I am a stay-at-home-mom who has not worked outside the home in 4 years.
My husband has always drank, but not to the extent that has been going on for almost a year now. He is rarely sober and drinks until he passes out. I found out, by him, that he has been lying to me about drinking for the last couple weeks. He said he had been drinking in-between work and school, and has been lying about the amount of alcohol consumed at other times. He expressed a sincere desire to change, even pouring out the remaining beer in the fridge. But that effort lasted 4 days. I’m pretty sure, from researching, that he’s entering the middle stages of alcoholism. He has already refused the notion of attending AA, and going to counseling is “not for him” either, even though it’s apparent he needs it. He’s in construction and many of the people who he works with are also alcoholics. Some drink at work or right after work.
I can see where this is going. I don’t want our kids to grow up in this environment. He loves them, and they love him. He’s not physically or verbally abusive- he can just get negative after so many beers. He feels the need to rip apart everyone he sees on television, and then starts on everyone who has ever wronged him, sometimes me. I put him on an allowance of $40 a week, and he has admitted that he sold some of his tools at work for money.
I feel that our relationship is deteriorating. While I still love him and recognize his disease, I don’t know if I want to stay if the situation were to become inevitable. He seems pretty unwilling to actually get help. I know that I can’t make him. If I were to leave, how would I support my kids, and afford childcare on top of that? I don’t have a degree. Where would I go? I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do.
His father is also an alcoholic. When my husband confronted him about his childhood, he apologized and said it was wrong for him to be drinking the way he did around his kids, BUT also told my husband that “you can’t just give up those things entirely… just try to cut back.” This was on his 4th day of sobriety. He drank the very next day. I have never been so dissappointed in my life, except for last night, when he told me again that he doesn’t have a problem, (He drank 15 beers from 3pm to 7 pm.) and then had to go to bed because he was dizzy. So, back in denial is he. His (divorced) mother is a recovered alcoholic (15 years) but is dying from liver disease and Hepatitis C. He would not take anything she said in a helpful way because of their past. Family intervention is not going to be helpful here.
I haven’t been away from my children in 3 years, literally. The adults that I speak to, besides him, consist of grocery store cashiers and the like.
Get him into treatment if possible. Call your family support group or the National Guard chaplain for support advice.
Start going to Alanon yourself. This will help you as it is for those family members of alcoholics.
You’ll need to find some family to help you through this financial time or friends to help you with the kids while you get work.
When you have some kind of means to escape you can tell him he must either go to counseling and stay in it or you are taking the kids and getting a divorce. It will be hard at first but in the long run it’s best for you and the children.
It sounds like the only thing that’s really going to make something change is if you do something dramatic. As long as he can get away with drinking and having you and the kids around, he’ll do it. Leaving him would possibly be the wake up call that he needs. I don’t know the area that you’re living in, so I’m not sure of what resources are available to you. I think your best bet would be to find a Women’s Centre or Shelter in your area and go talk to someone there about what your options are. I don’t know what the back story with your relationship with your mom is, but desperate times call for desperate measures and it might be time to give mom a call and see if she can help you out. Good luck and stay strong.
This is hard but you have to get the state involved and see if there is any aid for a woman in your situation. Do you have any friends at all that can help you out until you are on your feet? Get away from him but do it on the down low and as quick as you can. BE careful and the kids too.
Honistly I think the only Thing that will help you is if your husbend experinces a nearly fatal event and he will change his ways Best of Luck to ya!!
Pray for him. Try to show support.
That said:
I am the daughter of an alcoholic. I wish that my parents had divorced years ago to avoid seeing Mom in so much heartache.
you must leave him now before he hurts or kills someone. you do crazy things when you are drunk. Good luck.
Go see a drug and alcohol councilor. He will probably help you to organize an intervention to get him into treatment. It is not uncommon for alcoholics to deny help until they reach bottom…the issue may need to be forced. Does he have any other family members who could also force the issue?
there are many places to go and ask for help dont feel that u are in a corner and dont have a way out. it is hard to get someone to stop drinking especially since it has been a factor since he was a child. think about the future of ur kids
Would you like to talk more about this issue one-on-one, since this is a complex situation? If you’d like to talk with me about this, you can send me an e-mail or visit my advice forum. Just send an e-mail, and we’ll talk through this. We can be friends.
The first thing you should probably do is contact Alcoholics Anonymous, they may have some suggestions for you. Secondly, you need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your husband. Being a stay at home mom puts you in a pretty tough predicament. Hopefully, your husband will come to his senses and agree to get help. Being the son of an alcoholic, I supported my father when he got help from AA. The people there are really friendly and helpful. I will be praying for you and your family. Peace and God bless.
He needs professional help. It is not good for your husbands health, your’s or for your children to see.
Get him the help he needs before he drinks himself to death, And he will. I watched my Stepfather die from cirrhosis and to the day he died, he denied that he had a drinkning problem, After that i watched my mothers world get torn apart for the second time and it devastated me.
AL-ANON
it’s helped people I know.
it’s for people who are with alcoholics, to help you deal with the alcoholic, and also the stress of being with one.
I would sit him down while he is sober and let him know that this has to stop…for him and for his children. Let him know you understand it is difficult and often out of his control, that he doesn’t intentionally do this to hurt you or the children.
He may not understand the gravity of what he is doing. You may have to tell him that either he gets help or you will have to ask him to leave. It is reasonable that he leave given you are raising two small children. It could even be a situation where he leaves while getting well. It sounds to me like he needs rehab.
As for your fears, it is understandable. Contact some Alanon groups…those who support victims of alcoholic family members. Someone there may be able to tell you what kinds of support you can get while making the transition. They may even have a network of people who help each other with daycare situations,etc. And don’t worry about a degree. You don’t have to have one necessarily…if you have some experience, use it. I wish you the best of luck.
Try explaining to him how the kids will look back on him when they grow up. Show him some of the effects alcohol can have on your body and what happens when you drink and drive. Get some pics off the internet. Make sure he knows you will be there to help.
hi! one solution is left: YOU JUST KNEEL ON YUOR KNEES AND CRY TO THE LORD - JESUS….he will surely hear and deliver you…he will find a way out for your husband…and kids…try this…the BEST solution..DONT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW…GOD WILL TAKE CARE FOR YOU…IN CASES LIKE THIS, ONLY GOD IS LEFT…try it…you need to persistently pray…God Bless you
PLEASE!!!!!! Find a local Al-Anon group as quick as possible. They have the tools for you to get through this! I wish I had known of them 16 years ago. Please, they are a great group of people going through the same thing as you, and will you will be welcomed with open arms! There’s children involved, they need a stable environment and so do you! Please, do it ASAP! Let us know how your doing. “Sometimes you have to what’s right, even when it hurts” Pixie48
Leave now. Find a shelter for abused women. He can’t be helped until he wants to change. You’ll be fine. Things might be a little rough at first, but you can do this. Please don’t subject your children to that. My Mother died an Alcoholic at 33. She left 2 little girls, age 9 and 6. We were raised by my Dad. She couldn’t quit. I wish I knew where you were, I’d help you. Call your Mom, she’ll probably help you too.
your husband is in DENIAL — fact is AA IS for him, and for the millions of people just like him, including me…..i’m a recovering alcoholic, so i know what you are going through (i was raised around alcoholism, as well).
most people can’t stop drinking on their own, without some sort of counseling, Alcoholics Anonymous or rehabilitation.
YOU need help too. Alanon is designed for the help and support for relatives, family and friends of alcoholics. If you do a search for ALANON CHAT, you will find chats… you can attend these chats, same as you can attend meetings in your community (and i think it would be a very wise choice to attend in -person meetings, too — for your own sake).
People at Alanon are experienced in these matters and can help you to help yourself through these difficult times. They can help you figure out what to do for yourself and the kids.
Yes, your relationship is certainly deteriorating. and if he doesn’t seek help, his disease will destroy everything he has.
you’re all in my prayers.
He’ll find out the hard way but you can give him the option of going to get help into treatment the thing he is doing is he is in denial, Tell him that is drinking is affecting the babies and that the babies do not need to be around that. you can call around ask your parents or friends and see if you and the kids can stay with them. you nor they do not need to be around this and it will get worse in the days to come. Tell your Husband that is drinking is going to affect the marriage and that he can have one or the other ask him what is more important you and the babies or the alcohol?
You may have no choice but to leave. You don’t want your children to be affected by his drinking, and even though they are little, children at 2 years of age begin to mimick and retain the actions of the adults around them. There are shelters for women in most cities/towns who don’t have a place to go. Most are temporary, but they give you a chance to get help from the state financially and get you into your own place,.and get a job or education or both. I had to leave my second husband because of his alcoholism, and my children were teenagers at the time. It was really tough because they loved him and thought of him as their father. They still do, but they know why I had to leave.
My mom had this problem with my father. He started out the same way. It goes in stages. He finally got to the abusive stage with us kids and my mom. He refused to go to AA and counceling too. She also did not want to involve the family. I think part of her felt if she actually asked someone she knew for help she would be admitting failure in a messed up kind of way.
Your right about it affecting your relationship. It is already affecting your kids in ways you don’t know yet. How many times does your son pretend to drink a beer? How many times does daddy not pay attention to him, sis, or even you?
You need to sit your husband down. Tell him you love him but that he has to be serious about changing and getting some kind of help if he can’t do it alone. Tell him if he does not do it you will leave. Don’t let the fact that you have no degree stop you from leaving him. There is always a way out if need be. Kick him out if you have to. But sooner or later he will be violent. Sooner or later he is going to be so drunk and messed up that he loses his job and you’ll have to get one. You’ll still have to pay child care because you won’t be able to trust him to watch the kids without getting wasted. You will still have to get some state welfare help because he will spend your paycheck on booze. He’s on a path of destruction. Don’t let him take you and the kids down it to.
I know exactly how do you feel!!! I was married to an alcoholic. I recommend you to attend the Alanon meetings, which are for family of alcoholics. You can’t force him to go to AA meetings, but you need to keep your sanity for you and your children.
Try to find local meetings,
Here is the website:
Read this prayer, I hope it helps:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Blessings to you, your children, and your husband!!!
I am so saddened to read your story. Is there a Salvation Army church in your area? I’m not saying you have to start going there to church. The Salvation Army has a Family Services division that can assist you by referring you to places you can receive services if you do decide to leave your husband. They also have programs to help you if you decide to stay.
Sometimes, it takes something like having you and the children leave to wake your spouse up to the reality that he needs help and that you are serious about making sure he gets it.
You also need to be concerned about your children because you don’t want them to watch their father’s alcoholism and one day continue the cycle of dependency.
Especially concerning is when you said your husband “rips” you apart when he is drunk. When he does this, he is teaching your children that it is OK. Your daughter will learn that it is OK for her future spouse to mistreat her. Your son is learning that it is OK to mistreat his future wife.
A friend of mine is currently in divorce proceedings and she said she knew she needed to leave her abusive situation a long time before she did. She just needed someone to tell her that it was OK, she would not be blamed, she was strong enough to survive on her own. Just don’t wait as long as she did. Her husband finally lost it and tried to beat her up in front of her 3 year old. The boy is still traumatized and he’s 6 now.
Good luck to your entire family!
Being an alchoholic myself, I had to hit bottom to pick myself up. Some of us do not realize the pain that the others in our lives go through watching us destroy ourselves endlessly.
If you have told him how you feel, and pointed out the facts, then it is time to show him where the bottom is, i.e. losing you and the kids, and ask him if drinking is more important. If it is, you will have to let him hit.
Alcohol can be destructive… I know from personal experience. Once I saw how much my excessive drinking was hurting my family I did curtail it on my own, but it wasn’t easy and I know most people can’t do that alone.
If he’s physically addicted the hardest part is that your body actually needs the alcohol to function normlly. I had a terrible time with depression when I first cut out the drinking. It isn’t usually anything external. Nothing wrong with your family or work situation, you just feel miserable and don’t know what else to do but drink to feel better. Nothing else seems to be able to chase the blues away, but the feeling eventually fades after a long period without drinking.
However, the bottom line is that it is not anything you can do for him. My wife would try to help me. She begged. She threatened. She pleaded. It just felt like she was trying to control me and I resented it. I had to decide to help myself.
The military environment exaserbates the difficulty of that. It could ruin his career if it were to come out he was an alcoholic and he knows it. At the same time the drinking will do that of it’s own accord eventually anyway. It’s really embarrassing to admit too, but he’ll have to get over it or it will consume him and possibly you as well.
At some point it might come down to you leaving to wake him up. Especially since you have a child, you might consider it if he absolutely won’t change or get help. After all, kids raised in alcoholic homes are something like 70% more likely to become alcoholics themselves. There are services through the govt., through churches, through private organizations that offer help to women in your situation. There are shelters, career developement services, and financial support, among other things. So don’t let fear for your economic well being be the only thing that keeps you in his home.
If you have to, pack up, get out, let him know you still love him and will happily come home as soon as he gets his life together and shows you proof he has his problem under control. This is not a thing that will get better over night so be patient. Some guys have to hit rock bottom before they finally decide that they need help.
From experience, hon:
Addicts of any sort are already in a relationship — it just isn’t with you, it never will be with you, no matter how much you want it, no matter what you do, no matter what you wish, no matter how much you support them….. you will NEVER be important in his life…. nor will his kids….. Addicts are already in a relationship with alcohol, or drugs or gambling, or computer porn or whatever and sometimes with several of these!!!!!!. Addictions are personality defects, and they just aren’t curable and barely treatable……. ask any counselor. AA fails miserably, so does Gamblers Anonymous. All them fail. Call them up: As THEM!!!!!. (’Middle stage”? Hon, he’s a full blown drunk.). And even when they stop drinking for awhile — be in a week or a month or a year — it doesn’t last, and they become what is called a “dry drunk”.
You will never be important to him, hon. Never. Too bad you have children, but maybe that would be your best reason to leave — so that those kids grows up in a better environment than what they have now. And from what you have written here, anything would be better than what you have described…… You can’t be that desperate that you have to stay….. You are nuts to continue… Get some help, hon, and get out, even if you are living under a bridge…. and life is soooo short, and your children’s future toooo precious. you’ll see what I mean when you yourself get into some counseling— and it won’t take too many sessions (like one!!) for the light to turn on, and for you to realize how hopeless this situation is. Good luck, hon
I grew up with an alcoholic father. DO NOT allow your children to grow up in this environment. Call AA and find a support group for YOU. They’ll help you/give you moral support. Financial is more difficult, check with your state Social & Health services. They may be able to help. Plus your hubby will likely be ordered to pay support. Take comfort in that you’re not the first to go through this nor the last. There are a lot of people who will be there for you!
JESUS IS THE ANSWER HONEY,DO YOU KNOW ABOUT PRAYING AND FASTING,IF YOU DON’T FIND YOU A BIBLE BASED CHURCH IN YOUR AREA AND TALK TO ONE OF THE MISSIONARIES ETC.,YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE YOUR HUBBY WITH YOU,AND HEY NO BABYSITTER TAKE THEM WITH YOU I’M SURE THERE WILL BE SOMEONE AT THE CHURCH THAT WOULDN’T MINE KEEPING AN EYE ON THE LITTLE ONES WHILE YOU SIT AND TALK TO SOMEONE , AND CALL YOUR LOCAL COMMUNITY CENTER FOR RESOURCES AS WELL.
SWEET HEART HE HASN’T YET BUT IF HE CONTINUES ON THIS DESTRUCTIVE PATH HE WILL HURT SOMEONE REALLY BAD.
I WILL ADD YOUR FAMILY TO MY PRAYER LIST JUST TO LET YOU KNOW I ALSO HAVE A WIDE RANGE OF PRAYER PARTNERS AND I WILL SEE TO IT THAT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE ADDED TO THEIR LISTS AS WELL .
GO TO THIS WEB SITE OR TRY THIS ONE BISHOPTDJAKES.THEPOTTERSHOUSE.COM
LET ME KNOW IF YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL WITH THEM
You need to get yourself and your children out of this mess.He may not have been abusive yet but that will likely come next and you can’t take that chance with your children.He’s not in “middle stage,” he’s a full blown alcoholic.Pretty desperate for booze when he starts selling his tools.What will he start selling next?
He needs to get to AA and now,but you cannot make him go as that will never work.He needs to want to go on his own.Since counselling and AA are not for him what does that tell you?
If you were to leave you would find a way to care for your children and yourself.Don’t use that as an excuse.There are lots of jobs out there that don’t require a degree.Maybe it’ll mean getting two part time jobs but you can do it.
You have to get tough and strong for your children.They come first and foremost in your life.Don’t subject them to this please.
Take it from someone who walked away with three young children from the same situation and worked three part time jobs to keep their heads above water.
I won’t tell you it was easy because it was very tough but when things get tough the tough get going.Somedays I wondered if we’d make it but with a strong will and determination I’ve never regretted it.My children are grown now and all is well.With the help of God you can make it and don’t give up on contacting your family.They will care about your children if nothing else.
Take care and all the best.God Bless you and your children.
Hello punchy. I read what you had to say, and I know that I can help you. I have been an active member of Alanon for over 6 years now. Alanon is for the family members of alcoholics. I’ve lived with alcoholism all my life, first my dad, then my husband. Congratulate yourself on your first step toward recovery, and that one is the hardest. Admitting that you love someone who has a problem is just as hard as it is for the person who has the problem to admit it. There is so much that I have to say, it could take a while. Drop me an email if you are interested. I understand how lonely and alone you feel right now, and I would like to lend an ear. I hope to hear from you. I’ll say a prayer for you.
If he won’t go to counseling, you should at least go to counseling. Talk to someone. I know it can be difficult, but it does help. Is he close to his family? Maybe they should become part of the discussion. I know that I couldn’t get through to my husband, until I made his family aware. Yes, he was pissed off at first, but having more than just the “nagging” wife point out the problems seemed to help. Your husband may not be bad now, but it could get worse as his alcoholism progresses.