I AM CONSIDERING DIVORCE! HELP?

May 21, 2009 by admin · 8 Comments
Filed under: Marriage & Divorce 
construction tools
Rebekah asked:

My husband and I just celebrated our five year anniversary. He is from Honduras and I am American. He was deported just five months after we married and I moved to Honduras with him and than later we moved to Costa Rica.We have two young children and he is a wonderful dad. The problem is that he has not held a study job since he was deported. He has no schooling past six grade and no job skills other than construction. I love him but I feel very bitter that he is not motivated. I have tried to motivate him by sending him to school, computer classes, buying tools to make furniture, and encouraging him to work out. He watched the kids the three days a week that I work and cooks, the days I am off he watches tv, watches videos on youtube, plays soccer, and helps with the kids. I am very frusterated and feel as if I have done my part. I pay all the bills, attend online university, and keep myself in shape by running. It seems like the more confident I become the more naggy, bossy, and unconfident he is. I have told him to look for a job or come up with a solution if he is unhappy staying at home. My mom is no help because she does not want to council me in the wrong direction. I am open to any thoughts or suggestions.

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Comments

8 Responses to “I AM CONSIDERING DIVORCE! HELP?”
  1. mem11363 says:
    May 24, 2009 at 9:14 am

    A lazy man is a sad thing indeed.

  2. Pi says:
    May 26, 2009 at 11:35 am

    Tough one. It could happen that you stop loving him if you lose more respect for him, and then it’s a good time to leave anyway. If he doesn’t listen and make an effort, doesnt that mean he does not respect you? That is how I would argue with him - tell him he hurts you and is disrespecting you by not making an effort.
    Only threaten to leave if you are really ready to do it. An empty threat is BS and he might call you on it.
    You can’t say anything you are not prepared to follow through with.

    IF You still love him a lot, can you get counseling? Talk to his friends?

  3. Spike says:
    May 29, 2009 at 11:24 am

    Read to him the Bible in Spanish “If he doesn’t want to work then neither let him eat”.

  4. Andi says:
    June 1, 2009 at 12:17 am

    Honestly if he was like this before you got married, you’re not being fair to him.

  5. puppypal says:
    June 4, 2009 at 4:38 am

    I wish I had an answer for you but in reality it is a personal choice and I have issues with a man not working. I personally can not take a man living off of me. There are
    jobs to be had everywhere. Might now be the exact greatest job but anyone can make a couple bucks if they put there mind to it. So you see, I feel as you do. If that is any help

  6. Woman says:
    June 4, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    Tough one, ok well you are getting this from a Spanish person perspective. I’ve dealt with a person like your husb in the past, he was actually my bf and he had no schooling past the six grade either (i guess) and i tried to help him but he refused and I think it’s not that he didn’t really want to is just that i think he couldn’t learn. Probably your husband feels intimidated when it comes to study so the only thing i can think of is help him study something, sit with him and if he doesn’t understand then explain it to him. Be patient and if he loves you he will do an effort to learn.

  7. ganmerlad says:
    June 6, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    Your mom is actually smart. I have gotten to the place where I don’t want to mention certain problems in my marriage knowing exactly what my mom will say.

    In deciding you want to do, think it through carefully, know where you would go and what you would do. Sometimes that is really important in staying or going when you are unsure. Probably the decision will come because you are truly fed up though…it sounds like you are 3/4ths of the way there already. You really have been growing as a person and he has been staying the same or sliding, as though he wants to stay a teenager forever and that is really hard for a marriage to handle. Even though he takes care of the kids and cooks from time to time, it is like he has no cares about the future. Can you live with that?

    As for his becoming naggy and bossy, it is probably because you are changing so much and he doesn’t like it or feels insecure about it which makes him want to knock you down emotionally, both to make you question yourself, and to make himself feel better. He doesn’t seem to want to make things better for *himself*, instead he wants people to make it better for him, or he wants everything to stay the same, and neither are going to happen.

    So all you can do, if you have done your best to pull him along and he refuses to step up, is decide if you can live with it for the next 10 to 20 years. If you can’t picture this life 10 years from now, then you really aren’t doing yourself any favors simply living with it.

  8. jessicaheartsjoe says:
    June 8, 2009 at 2:54 am

    Don’t think you have to stay together just for the kids. That is probably the worst thing you can do, for starters.

    Has he ever mentioned why he’s unmotivated? In this economy it seems more and more people are becoming depressed. And men have always been the breadwinners in the past, so it may be hard and humiliating for him to accept that you’re the financial bread winner.

    You should sit down and talk to him. Tell him that you cannot raise the family alone and really need him to step up to the plate. If he has no desire to then tell him that you can no longer be with a man that has no desire to better himself.

    It’s so tough, but it’s also tough to be the leader of the family with no 100% help from your spouse. Good luck.

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